Justin Bieber, the Anti-Christ

Posted on February 25, 2010 by


There are many ideas of how the end of days will play out: an anti-Christ will appear and throw the world in chaos, starting a war that will kill everyone; nuclear holocaust; a cast of angels will come down and purge the wicked with flaming swords and those terrifying spike balls on chains; Gozer the Gozarian will choose a form and proceed to destroy Manhattan and then the world (I’m hoping giant Richard Simmons or Megan Fox).

Personally, I’m a little more cynical and I believe that our greed will create something so terrible that it will, without provocation or cause, kill us all. In other words, we will buy Justin Bieber’s CD then either commit suicide or become rage filled zombies. If you hadn’t figured it out yet, that little imp pictured above is Justin Bieber, and he is quite possibly the love child of Satan, Hitler, and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. You may remember T mentioning Justin in her post, “We are the World” Remake kills Hip-Hop, pisses of Jay-Z, inexplicably includes Vince Vaughn, where he sings the Lionel Richie verse…LIONEL-FUCKIN-RICHIE! The guy is still alive, and HE WAS AT THE RECORDING—all I want to know is, “Why Lionel. Why? Do you really want to add to your amazing career that you help launch the career of the musical anti-Christ? Couldn’t you just have used your old track like they did with Michael (minus the weirdly cheap Janet green-screen)?”

Don't run, I just want you to listen to this jam on my ipod, it's HOTT!

Let’s take a step back and try to understand the migraine that is Justin Bieber. First, you need to know he’s from Canada. Now that might not mean much to the majority of you guys, but I’m from Michigan, and it might be enough to write him off from the get go. BJ—I’m going to refer to him in the Japanese style of last name first because even thinking his name too much will cause me to either stroke out or to psychically summon him—started his career on YouTube, along with the reporter who fell while crushing grapes into wine, the man who can sing like a woman, and the “What, What, In the Butt” guy.

His future manager (and possible pedophile) saw the video and apparently thought, “You know who’d love this guy? Usher.” Granted, if anyone needs a protege, it’s definitely Usher; anyone to keep him from making In the Mix 2. Apparently it was love at first sight and BJ was signed onto Island Records as an R&B artist.

Maybe I’m confused, but what exactly about the prepubescent shrieks that come out of his face hole fit into the rhythm and blues genre?  When Usher told me “You make me wanna leave the one I’m with /Start a new relationship with you” I believed him…because he was an adult…with hair on his nether regions…and tall enough to use the adult urinal.  Why Usher thought a 15 year old would do more than just annoy most people, I will never know.  Usher even goes as far as making a long, drawn-out, and very ill-advised cameo in BJ’s video:

Did I mention he performed for Obama? Yeah, Justin was featured in the 2009 Christmas in Washington television special along with such real recording artists as Mary J. Blige, Neil Diamond, Sugarland, Rob Thomas, and Usher. Sure it was hosted by George Lopez, which already put it on the path of suck (I have strong feelings about Geroge Lopez and what George Lopez is doing to late night, mainly because he isn’t funny), but isn’t this just adding insult to injury? You couldn’t pull some strings B-rock and get the Jiggaman to show up? Hell, I’d even go for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir over BJ.  Meh, maybe I should probably just stick my head in a wood-chipper and get it over with before it’s too late.


So much worse.