So every year I like to take a retrospective moment and think about all the women over the last year from film, music, the arts, etc, and appreciate what they have done…to my nether regions. Is it crass? Totally. Does it make me a terrible person? Yeah probably. If I published it in a magazine, had a tv show, or had a readership in the thousands, would people care about any of that? No, and I’d also probably be with one of them at this very moment you are reading this article (and you could bet your ass I wouldn’t appreciate it as much as I should). Sadly as none of those things are true all I can do is use this as a chance to titillate your mind and maybe introduce you to some sexy sirens that you might not know. So without further ado, I present HQ’s Hotties of 2009:
Tie—Emma Watson & Kristen Stewart (They were in movies I didn’t bother seeing)
Perhaps I’m not their target demographic, but I guess someone out there is in the mood for moody girls who appear to be completely asexual, just like you are sometimes in the mood to shoot yourself in the face or perhaps put on your Mom’s old Barbra Streisand record then drive a nail through your hand. If vampires and wizards fought, who would win? I’m pretty sure the audience definitely wouldn’t. These two have made names for themselves playing stale characters with less range than Keanu Reeves, but the diehard, blinding devotion of the fans (of the respective series) have allowed them to continue with their “acting”. At least Kristen Stewart has the common sense not to pose in her undies, as we might mistake her for an anorexia PSA. Also, and I’m not lying about this, the first time I saw a trailer for Twilight I thought she was Johnny Depp (just like the first time I saw a Pirate of the Carribean trailer, I though Johnny Depp was playing a female pirate captain, and if anyone could do either it’d be Johnny Depp). However, these two are still higher on my list than Miley Cyrus (I’m not forgiving you until you do a cover of Lucifer, or sport a ROC Nation t-shirt).
Bea Arthur (Died)
Mad respect to the Golden Girl, but yeah, sorry Maude, you’re only on this list to show how unsexy I find Emma Watson and Kristen Steward (I’d rather see Bea as a leather clad dominatrix than either of these two in cocktail dresses), and my disdain for the respective Harry Potter and Twilight crazes in general.
Farrah Fawcett (Died)
I’m talkin’ young Farrah Fawcett, since, aside from her voice work as Faucet in “The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars” and passing up a cameo in Charlies Angels Full Throttle (which apparently Walmat is currently advertising as a good gift this year), she dropped of the radar. I remember working at SunCoast when I was in high school, we had a copy of that iconic poster (best selling pinup poster of ALL TIME)—let’s say I would have taken the hit to not understand how to set a VRC, use the internet, or speak on a cell phone without yelling, in order to hit that tousled haired, broad smiling bunny (to be true to 70s slang).
Vanessa Hudgens (for giving me this:)
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I’ll look back on this in 10 years and laugh…I’m sure he wont. I have not, nor do I ever want to look up the infamous pictures because frankly, I went to high school, I saw my share of high school bush, and I have no interest in seeing it again. Personally, I’m all for the High School Musical fanaticism: by all means, get kids excited for high school, that way it will be a much bigger let down once they find that no one spontaneously breaks into song and dance, their bodies go out of control, they’re uncontrollably awkward 24 hours a day, no one likes them (probably because they smell, the awkwardness, and out of control body), and just how mean peers can actually be. I’m sure in a couple years Ms. Hudgens, if she is still around, will release another set of scandalous photos, which I’ll probably check out. Onwards and upwards.
Lynsey Addario (MacArthur Genius Award Winner)
Lynsey is one of the most recent “Geniuses” to win $500,000 towards her work–going all over the world, putting herself in dangerous situations, and capturing it all through photos. We watch movies where James Bond or some other character drives through a third world city in a jeep with danger around every corner, but she actually does it–now that’s what I call hot. As for the award: there is no application, no interview process, all you get is a phone call telling you that you’ve won–your officially a genius. If you haven’t checked out her work you definitely should, especially if you don’t believe a thesis statement can be made using photos.
Megan Fox (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
I’m pretty sure Megan Fox could have babies with PeeWee Herman and they would still be the most beautiful children on the planet. Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg understand what we all knew from the moment Shia LaBeouf opened his smug face hole and tried to sell his great grandfathers stuff (yeah, that’s how the first movie opened), this franchise is a Meghan Fox delivery device, just like asparagus is an excuse to eat hollandaise sauce. Some might question her abilities as an actor, but had she been in Benjamin Button, I can tell you right now that no one would have complained about it being too long.
Tracie Thoms (Good Hair)
I always thought Tracie Thoms was pretty, but when homegirl decided to rock out the natural hair in Chris Rock’s documentary Good Hair while everyone else was sporting a weave (except the bald chick, now that’s representing), I was in love. Also, I never saw a movie with Tracie Thoms I didn’t like—maybe because she hasn’t made that many (and yes, I liked the film adaptation of Rent…but I can still kick your ass). And let’s not forget Death Proof where she managed to make a movie revolving around a single car chance exciting from start to end.
Mariah Carey (Eminem/Mariah Beef)
Let’s get down to brass tacks, we remember the breakdown and we all though she was crazy, but I never imagined she would be crazy enough to start some beef with Eminem—that in mind, I’d still hit it. Who knows, I might have a chance as Nick Cannon has shown us that she is into young, doofy black dudes (If you’ve never seen Wild ‘n Out, then don’t…just trust me). Though, unlike Nick, I wouldn’t want to mess with Eminem, nor would I be dumb enough to even hint at picking up the mic to challenge Eminem. Strangest bit, and this was almost worth not putting her on the list, none of the involved parties will admit to any beef. You can be sure as hell that they are beefing, they just keep on denying it.
Rihanna (GQ Cover & Run This Town w/Jay Z)
If her GQ cover (the article can be found here) wasn’t enough to send me to a convent out of shame for never being remotely in a league where sex with her would be possible, then her album, Rated R, and her work on Jay-Z’s Run This Town are. This sultry songstress completely reinvented her image from good girl to “good God” after her scuffle with Chris Brown. I wasn’t really interested in Rihanna pre-Chris Brown, and became less interested in her during the resulting media frenzy, but now you’ll find me front and center at her next concert (especially if she wears that black outfit from her Umbrella video).
Jessica Flannery (Kiva)
With Bill Clinton plugging Kiva on the news, and hulu showing a commercial for it every five minutes (both occurring this year), you should probably know what Kiva is by now, but if you don’t, it’s a microfinance site that allows normal everyday people like you and me connect with entrepreneurs in developing countries and lend them money for start-up projects (and by lend, then actually do mean lend–you eventually get paid back). Think UNICEF, only the pennies a day actually do make the world a better place. The brainchild of Stanford educated Jessica and her husband (sorry guys, she’s happily married, and not famous, so there’s a good chance it’s going to last) grew out of a 2003 lecture given by Grameen Bank founder Muhammad Yunus at Stanford Business School and launched just two years later, bringing unprecedented power to us, the donors, over how the money will be used. No more talking heads or celebrities picking up children, just everyday people with a couple extra bucks, and local people with an idea on how to make life better.
Alica Keys (Empire State of Mind)
Do I really need a reason to put Alica Keys up here?
Olivia Wilde (House & FoD/Obama work)
It’s rare to see a girl so hot that staring directly at her can lead to your face melting, it’s even more rare that she be secure enough to make fun of herself. I was introduced to Olivia Wilde in 2006 via Bickford Shmeckler’s Cool Ideas (don’t worry if you didn’t see it, no one else did) and didn’t peg her for much, but then she appeared as 13 on House and frankly even the Huntington’s wouldn’t keep me away. Then she started appearing on Funny or Die, before it was considered “okay” to appear in internet videos, and the weird thing was her work wasn’t that bad and she really pushed for people to vote (and more specifically to vote for Obama). It’s sexy to see a woman motivated enough to champion a cause (sorry Pam, I’m not going to stop eating meat…and apparently you didn’t either), more so when it’s a hopeless cause like trying to get people to pick the black guy for president over a well known (only slightly evil) white guy, more more so when the black guy manages to kick the white guy’s ass. I’m not saying Olivia Wilde is the only reason I voted, but she is definitely on the short list (ignore that I voted for Tina Turner for President and my Mom for Senator of Massachusetts).
Olivia Munn (Attack of the Show)
I’m not sure you’re aware of this, but I’m currently dating Olivia Munn…okay maybe she isn’t aware of it since it all goes down in my mind, but let me tell you, we’re very happy together in my mind. This Bombshell is the geek goddess, hosting G4’s Attack of the Show, which for those who don’t know is part gadget review, part news parody, and part video game preview. Breaking the Top 100 Sexy ladies for Maxim (2008 & 2009) as well as for FHM she is using that sexy power of her’s for good, good wholesome fan service. She has deep throated a hot dog, trampolined in a bikini, and jumped into a huge chocolate pie in a french maid outfit, all in the name of comedy (and nerd’s joysticks). Oh yeah, and she likes to lick electronics, and here I thought I was the only person who did that. If none of that appeals to you how about her recent day-long promotion of Bing on Hulu, her upcoming role in Iron Man 2, or the fact that she was a Playboy cover-girl, but refused to pose nude (now that’s what I call morals—let my imagination do the work).