I’m not going to lie, I review on yelp–hell, I’d go as far as saying I love to yelp. Granted I love food, but I’m not sure that’s why I love yelp as much as I do. Rather, I think it is the act of crafting the perfect review that I love. It gives me a chance to dump all of my creative energy and humor into something, since, let’s face it, no one at work would find getting raped by a bear that is on fire funny, but put it in a review about a Mexican restaurant and you get a small following. Sadly Yelp doesn’t allow for everything to pass it’s filters. Apparently this review doesn’t represent “first hand” consumer experience, and thus lands as my first flagged review.
DoReMi Karaoke Studio. 1 star out of five
Karaoke is the musical equivalent of receiving an enema from a chainsaw dipped in acid and covered in bees, you can’t figure out if it is the burning, the stinging, or the cutting that hurts more. As I’m not Asian, will never be Asian, and never hope to become Asian (a la The Vapors “Turning Japanese”) I do not believe I can appreciate getting stuffed into a room with couches that smell funky to hear people I don’t even like try to serenade themselves with Spice Girls and other karaoke standards. Similarly, unlike the movies (where karaoke is portrayed by throngs of sexy, sexy Asian schoolgirls who, for the sake of this review, are all over he age of 18 and just prefer to dress up in their old school uniforms) this place lacks booze and food. What the hell am I suppose to do then? Sing?
If you ever see me here–or at any other karaoke bar–you can assume that I have been kidnapped against my will and the assailants are heavily armed (and I cannot get a weapon to take my own life). Call the police immediately and get the hostage negotiator because I’ll be damned if I go all Stockholm and when I’m saved I’m caught singing Meatloaf. That’s not my style.